A Cover Song of Some Fire, Weetabix and Ice, Ice, Ice, Baby.

*Randall Wallom and a Penelope Bobina stand on stage facing the audience. They are both young and dressed in dirty, peasant clothing. Penelope however, is clad in a low cut dress that reveals her cleavage.*

Randall: Shall we visit the…um…

*Randall temporarily forgets his line*

Penelope: Yes, Randall. We shall visit the butcher’s today to buy meat for mother.

Randall: Ah yes, I do feel bad for mother after father um…

*Randall once again forgets his shittily written exposition*

Penelope: After father died from random death that served us no purpose whatsoever. Yes, terrible.

Randall: Well, before we do that, shall we er…you know?

Penelope: No…I don’t.

Randall: Shall we do the old….game of boning.

Penelope:….Oh for fuck’s sake.

*Penelope throws her arms up in the air*

Penelope: Mark, you said you wouldn’t pull this shit.

Randall: But George told me I had to!

*All disbelief has been thrown out the window as Penelope pulls the script from her cleavage*

Penelope: I don’t remember this being in the script.

Randall: George just told me.

Penelope: GEORGE! Get out here, I’ve had enough of this!

*George R.R.R.R.R. Tolkien walks out on stage with a crown and a robe made of squirrels. He also smells.*

G.R.T: You’re ruining my vision! Game of Boning is a genius line! Why aren’t you turned on, Penelope?

Penelope: You need to stop calling me that!

G.R.T: Silence, Penelope! Also, put that script back in your bra. Your boobs have gotten smaller.

Mark: I think we should do this in private…you know…away from the audience.

*All three individuals awkwardly stare at the audience*

G.R.T: AHA! It was my plan all along! I made this happen! Aren’t you shocked!???!

Penelope: …No.

G.R.T: What if someone died!?

Penelope: Can you please just pay us n-


*G.R.T. pulls out a massive fucking scythe from his squirrel robe and chops off Mark’s shins.*

Penelope: OH MY GOD.


*Mark painfully scrambles for help as the audience cheers.*

G.R.T.: What a twist!

Penelope: Mark! Are you OK!? Stay with me.

*G.R.T. starts to take Mark’s clothes off*

Penelope: Get off of him, you psycho!

G.R.T.: Time for the sex scene!

Penelope: What?!

*G.R.T. grabs a screaming Penelope and begins to thrust her up and down on top of Mark’s bleeding, soon to be corpse*



*Audience cheers*

Audience member: So sexy!

*This is certainly not sexy*

G.R.T.: Did I mention that they’re siblings!?

*G.R.T. continues to thrust the poorly paid actors on top of each other. He eventually fatigues and lets go.*

Penelope: Get away from me! All of you!

G.R.T.: Oh, you’re so boring, Penelope. It’s been like…5 minutes and you haven’t even shown me your tits.

Penelope: FUCK. YOU.

G.R.T.: Well, there’s always plan B. Or should I say – PLAN BOOBIES!?

*G.R.T. grabs a bag literally labelled plan boobies and throws it’s contents on top of Mark.*

Mark: What are you doing?

G.R.T.: Nipples of course!

*Hundreds of disembodied, bloody nipples are piling on top of Mark, who has become severely pale and can barely move. Audience still cheers*

G.R.T.: God dammit, I spent hours making that pile and now it’s starting to smell. I wonder if there’s another primary school around here. Hey, Penelope! Come back!

*G.R.T. manages to grab Penelope’s foot before she gets away. He manages to drag her back despite her kicking and screaming.*

G.R.T.: Don’t forget that you’re the cousin’s stepsister of a guy who was related to the mailman who delivered mail to the servant of the mother of Dragons!

Penelope: I don’t…I don’t understand.

G.R.T: Meet your beloved Dragons!

*A stage hand pushes a cage of animals onto the stage. As they leave the cage, it appears to be 2 stray dogs and a cat. They all have bloody pigeon wings crudely stapled onto their backs. The “Dragons” awkwardly stumble around the stage, confused and dazed. Penelope recognizes the cat.*


*Penelope begins to cry. G.R.T. doesn’t seem to care.*

G.R.T.: That’s what you get for not going ahead with my brilliantly written girl on cat sex scene.

Penelope: JUST FUCK OFF.

G.R.T.: But it added so much to the story!

Audience: Sounds sexy!

*No it isn’t*

*G.R.T. starts to mumble his own soundtrack to add to the drama*

G.R.T.: Doodoodododooodddoo babbabaababa BWAAAA BWAAAAA BWAAAAA.

*G.R.T. eventually runs out of breath.*

G.R.T.: Commence fire!

*The “Dragons” start to fall to the ground, twitching helplessly*

G.R.T.: Oh for God’s sa-….*sigh*

*G.R.T. grabs a flamethrower from a stage hand. He can’t seem to work it, so he begins to inspect it*

G.R.T.: Maybe if I hit this bu-

*G.R.T. sets himself on fire*


*Audience still cheers*

Audience: How shocking!

G.R.T.: You’re right! Even in death I am shocking!

*Mark is pretty much dead and Peppermint viciously attacks Penelope. G.R.T. spends his last moments twitching on the ground in his charred remains….but at least the audience enjoyed the show. You sick fucks.*


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1 Response to A Cover Song of Some Fire, Weetabix and Ice, Ice, Ice, Baby.

  1. maryjane says:

    wow.. is all I have to say

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