Your Birds but Life’s Bees.

Scene starts with Blatantly Kate Middleton lying on a couch next to a small cot. Blatantly Prince Willy enters the room holding a package covered in brown paper and string. B.P Willy strokes the mysterious package as Kate looks on in wonder.

B.K Midz: You got the stuff didn’t you?

B.P Willy: Who says I did?

B.K Midz: The shirt that says “I like packages. Especially when they are within my possession and tied up in this particular string that I enjoy wiping my nose with”

B.K Midz points to the particular phrase that is printed on the white shirt that Willy is wearing

Willy: Wow, you can read me like a book.

Midz: Thank you for the offer but I am afraid that we must spend our time doing parental things, parentally.

Willy: But I don’t WANT to do things parentally. I want to do things sillyly.

Midz: Like make impossible adverbs?

Willy: You can knead me pike a cook.

Midz: Let’s have sex right now!

The couple’s soon to be sexy adventure is suddenly impeded by the crying of the child in the cot

Midz: Hmm…I forgot about that.

Willy: How can you forget about a screaming child?

Midz: Quite easily and quite sillyly.

Willy: I love you.

Midz: Let’s have se-

Willy: No, no…we’ve been down this road.

Midz: You know what they call a baby in France?

Willy: What?

Midz: A Royale with scorching hot lead.

Midz pulls out a container labelled with the very term “Scorching Hot Lead” and proceeds to pour it into the cot. Needless to say the baby isn’t particularly enthusiastic.

Willy:….I think you just killed our child.

Midz: Let’s hav-



Willy: Wait, what were you going to say?

Midz: …Nothing.

Willy: Well you might as well tell me.

Enter a naked, hairy man who slowly shuffles across the stage staring at the audience. His name is Subtext.


Mysterious Voice: Yes…indeed. Yo. Uh. Bangin’.

Midz: Is that really him?

King Louis XV enters the room, because why the fuck not.

King Louis: Sup, ma nobilities.

Willy: SQUEEE!!!!

Willy drops to the floor and begins tonguing Louis’ knees. 

Louis: Is this whiteboy always pullin’ this lame ass jivin’?

Midz looks on in sadness.

Midz:…No. Sad face.

Subtext: You know, there was never a baby in here. Oh and err…SUUUUBBBTTTTEEEEEXXXXTTTTT.

Willy: Wait, then what was all that preggers fuss about?

Midz: My attempt to cover up the fact that I am a giant scorpion.


Subtext: …..

Louis: Dis bitch fo’ real or wha-

Midz turns into a giant Scorpion

Midz: I’m not very good at it.

Willy: Well…this will make sex awkward.

Louis: Or more bangin’, yo.

Willy: Tru dat.

Midz: Word.

Subtext: You guys are weird. Also Subtext. Bangin’ loads of subtext.

Scene Ends.

With a Bang.

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