I Am A Bumfuzzling Prick

Enter HOST, holding a large microphone in front of a dinner table in the center of the stage.

Host: And welcome back to Come Dine With My Meal! The hottest reality show in all of realitydom! This week, a young couple from down under is going to give us the down low on their favourite pass times. They’ll be chatting with an elderly couple from The Bronx. Let’s hope we get some confrontation! DO WE WANT CONFRONTATION!

Awkward silence

Host: OH YES WE DO! DO YOU WANT SOME CONFRONTATION?!

Awkward silence

Host: That’s what I thought! But not like that! OH YES, LIKE THAT!

Awkward silence

Host: Ha, ha. Quite. Let’s welcome our first couple, the lovely Everquinns!

An elderly couple gingerly walk onto the stage. ABRAHAM, the husband, is holding a paper spoon while his wife, HEATHER vacantly stares into space as she blinks aggressively. ABRAHAM’S left eye is covered by an eyepatch.

Host: Wonderful, wonderful. WOOOOOOOO!

Silence

HOST sits ABRAHAM and HEATHER down to the table

Host: So, Abraham. How did you and Heather meet?

Abraham: Sorry?

Host: After you got dumped by Kelly? The other love of your life? 70 years ago?

Abraham: I don’t follow.

Host: You didn’t follow Kelly in bed either.

Abraham: I don’t get why you –

Host: I was there. Watching.

Abraham: I’m sorry?

Host: And masturbating.

Heather: So was I.

Abraham: Heather! How could you?

Heather: I wasn’t watching, I was only masturbating.

Abraham: Well that’s OK then.

Host: FUCK THAT SHIT!

HOST punches HEATHER in the left eye. HEATHER screams and falls to the floor

Host: OOOOH YEAH! THAT’S WHAT WE WANT! OH YES WE DO.

Silence

Abraham: Did you have to hit her?

Host: Ratings, dude!

Abraham: What’s a rating?

Host: That time when Kelly dumped your lame ass, dude!

Abraham: What’s a dude?

Host: That time when Kelly dumped your lame ass, dude!

Abraham: I feel we’re going in ci-

Host: And our next couple to dine with us is the ever so gaping Damsons!

A younger couple shuffle onto the stage, followed by a rip snorting pop and lock routine to the sound of the lone HOST’s cheering. WOODROW laughs and kisses HOST on the cheek while his wife ASHLEY reenacts the dance routine to that scene from The Breakfast Club.

Host: Tell me, Woodrow how have you two been?

Woodrow: Well, Host I got to tell you –

Host: Tell me what?

Woodrow: GOT YOU!

Host: Oh, ho ho!

HEATHER returns to her seat

Heather: I don’t get it.

Silence

WOODROW suddenly gets out of his chair with a look of anger across his face. ASHLEY tries to placate his rage while the HOST laughs even more.

Heather: I still don’t get it.

Abraham: Don’t be silly, dear. Even I understood that one.

WOODROW’s rage seems to have vanished as he begins to fiddle with his cutlery.

Woodrow: Oh, you two seem to have some chemistry!

Host: So, let’s get down to it. What meal did you bring for us to mock, Abraham?

Abraham: I brought a spoon.

Host: Mhmm, go on.

Abraham: And a spoon is often used to facilitate the process of eating a meal.

Ashley: I like where this is headed.

Abraham: So I thought I would eat the spoon instead of the meal to bring down the system.

Host: A bit of an Anarchist are we, Abraham?

Abraham: No, just lonely.

Host: What about your wife?

Abraham: Who?

Heather: Where am I?

WOODROW stabs HEATHER’S hand with a fork on the table

Heather: Oh Christ!

Abraham: I like where this is headed.

HEATHER begins to bleed out on the table

Host: And what did you bring, WOODROW and ASHLEY?

Woodrow: Well, HOST instead of bringing a meal we decided to bring one of our friends from Australia to give this lovely couple a new experience they can’t get anywhere else!

Host: Well, bring your friend out!

Ashley: I LIKE SHOUTING!

Woodrow: Estevez! Come on out!

ESTEVEZ storms out onto the stage, knocking over furniture and leaving a trail of blood from the stagehands. ESTEVEZ squawks and punctures the floor with his spear like claws. This is because ESTEVEZ is a giant Cassowary.

Host: Beautiful!

Estevez: CRAWWWWWWW!

Heather: I don’t get it.

Estevez: CRAW? CRAWWWWWW!

ESTEVEZ mauls HEATHER without hesitation.

Host: THAT’S WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! LET’S HEAR IT!

Silence

Except for the mauling of HEATHER

Host: The crowd has spoken, we have no choice but to award you as the winners!

Woodrow: What do we win?

Host: A plane trip back home!

Woodrow: Toast on tits!

ASHLEY kicks over her chair and begins to sing and dance again.

Ashley: Things look clear in black and white, the living colour tends to dye our sight, LIKE DYNAMITE!

Host: That’s all we have for tonight, folks. See you next week!

HOST tries to ride ESTEVEZ, only for the enraged Cassowary to retaliate and attack him. WOODROW sniffs ABRAHAM’S head while the remains of HEATHER roll on the floor.

Estevez: CRAWWWW!

Heather: Oh wait, I get it.

Abraham: Really?

Heather: ….No.

Scene Ends

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