The First Day is the End of the Last of The Beginning of The First Day

*Two men enter a business office. Mr Conroy is holding a briefcase containing documents as Jeremy casually sinks his hands into his pockets.*

Mr Conroy: Well, Mr Blunkett it appears that you are our top candidate for this position. Is there anything else that you wish to know?

Jeremy: Um, when do I start exactly?

Mr Conroy: The position did say immediately.

Jeremy: Oh, so…Monday?

Mr Conroy: Right now.

Jeremy: Excuse me?

Mr Conroy: Right now. That’s not a problem is it?

Jeremy: Oh, well I guess not. It is the afternoon however and I’m not really sure what I’m able to get done at this time.

Mr Conroy: Nonsense! We’ll have you introduced to all the staff and get you settled in the most optimal manner for your required position.

Jeremy: Oh well that’s br-

*Mr Conroy punches Jeremy in the stomach. Jeremy doubles over in pain.*

Jeremy: Oh my God! What are you doing!?

Mr Conroy: Stop being feeble, Jeremy and take it like a man.

*Mr Conroy attempts to strike Jeremy with a European Uppercut. Jeremy is quick enough to avoid the attack.*

Jeremy: What in God’s name are you doing!?

Conroy: Well played, Jeremy! We’ll make a top man out of you!

Jeremy: I don’t understand. You’re…you’re attacking me!

Conroy: Yes, very observant of you.

Jeremy: This isn’t appropriate behaviour.

Conroy: Is this?

*Conroy slaps Jeremy in the face*

Jeremy: You’re the manager, how can you do this?!

Conroy: I’m making you strong, my dear boy! How can I run the greatest business in the universe if I don’t mould my employees into the most capable, strongest workers alive! I destroy the weak links and bad seeds in society to create the superlative kind of people. They will breed and give birth to a dominant species!

Jeremy: You…you’re insane!

Conroy: Quite the opposite, Mr Blunkett. I believe it’s a brilliant idea. I’m surprised no one has done it before.

Jeremy: I think a man has tried it before.

Conroy: Then that man was an overlooked genius before his time, who deserves the utmost honour and recognition.

Jeremy: Um….

Conroy: And I wish to lick his shoes.

Jeremy: What?

Conroy: Ever licked a man’s shoes?

Jeremy: I don’t follow…

Conroy: That’s because you’re weak.

*Conroy grabs Jeremy in a Greco Roman knuckle lock. Jeremy falls to his knees in agony.*

Conroy: Now beg for mercy, you little cunt.

Jeremy: What!? What is this!?

Conroy: A cunt is a vagina, Jeremy. Please keep up with me.

Jeremy: OK, stop!

*Conroy releases the hold as Jeremy gets back to his feet.*

Conroy: Honestly, Jeremy have you never seen one?

Jeremy: How did we even get to this topic?

Conroy: Well, I had doubts about your sexuality from the beginning but I didn’t think it would come out like this.

Jeremy: I think you’re making the most ridiculous assumptions no-

Conroy: Hey, colleagues! Let’s all make fun of this man’s questionable sexuality!

*One man enters the room*

One Man: Ha…

*One man leaves the room*

Conroy: What a go getter! What an unbelievable specimen of his kind. He would breed with all of the alien tribes in the lost lands of Panaglia.

Jeremy: What?

Conroy: Didn’t you read my book?

Jeremy: I didn’t know you had a book. Honestly, I don’t think I would read it after the way I’ve been treated.


Jeremy: What?

Conroy: You’ve made me cry, Jeremy.

Jeremy: You’re not crying.

Conroy: You’re such a monster that you don’t know what crying is. I make sure that all our employees cry in the daily allocated “Crying Time Slot” between brunch  and “Act Like a Monkey Doing An Impression of David Letterman”.

Jeremy: That sounds…unique.

Conroy: You’ll love your first session.

Jeremy: I don’t think I want to be employed here.

Conroy: Well you won’t be unless you read my book. Here’s a copy.

*Conroy opens his briefcase and hands Jeremy a book*

Jeremy: Well um…thank you.

Conroy: Now masturbate viciously to it.

Jeremy: What?!

Conroy: It says on your resume that you enjoy masturbating to the strangest of material. Particularly KKK rallies.

Jeremy: I said nothing of the sort.

*Conroy pulls a document out of the same briefcase.*

Conroy: Then what’s this?

Jeremy: Your name is on it. That’s your resume!

Conroy: By jove, it is! Well observed, Jeremy. You’re a real go getter in this kind of world.

Jeremy: Um…thanks.

Conroy: Although I am not embarrassed to admit that I pleasure myself to those kinds of works. I find that certain taboo t-

Jeremy: Can you please stop talking about that?

Conroy: Well, Jeremy. I thought you’d like this kind of thing! After all, you are of that sort. Eh?

Jeremy: *Sigh* What now?

Conroy: You know what I mean. Nudge nudge.

Jeremy: I thought we were past the homosexuality thing.

Conroy: Well….you’re BEHIND that kind of thing. Am I right?

Jeremy: You’re so juvenile! How can you insinuate that I-

Conroy: What? That you are behind the equality of homosexuality and support the needs of their communities?

Jeremy: Well…I didn’t think you’d say that.

Conroy: I think highly of you, Jeremy.

Jeremy: Um…thank you.

Conroy: Is your father dead?

Jeremy: What!?

Conroy: You heard me.

Jeremy: Well…yes. My father took his life when I was young.

Conroy: I knew it, Jeremy. You are unable to accept praise because you were left without a vital part of your childhood. You can overcome this, Jeremy. I believe in you.

Jeremy: Oh, well…thank you.

Conroy: Meh, I’m bored of you now. I hate you.

Jeremy: What?

Conroy: Honestly, how stupid are you exactly? I’d hate to imagine what you came from.

Jeremy: You’re not making rational sense.

Conroy: A disgusting vagina, that’s what. That’s what we all came from.

Jeremy: Can we please stop talking about this?

Conroy: Yes, I don’t want to discuss your mother’s awful, pale sex organs. You’ve ruined vaginas for me, Jeremy.

Jeremy: Well…sorry.

Conroy: Perhaps I shall become a homosexual like you.

Jeremy: But you were making fun of me for it.

Conroy: Well, when YOU do it I can’t stand that kind of thing. But when I make love to a fellow male, we transcend the art of love making to a new kind of level.

Jeremy: Um…

Conroy: Our sweaty, muscular bodies touching each other – roaring like mighty stallions. OH, JEREMY.

Jeremy: STOP!

Conroy: Oh, don’t be a homophobe, Jeremy. It’s the 21st Century.

Jeremy: I don’t think Stallions roar either.

*Conroy bursts into spontaneous laughter*

Conroy: Ho, ho, ho! It’s as if you’ve never made vicious love to a horse before.

Jeremy: What?!

*Another man enters the room, looking perplexed*

Mr Hale: Do I have an appointment with you two?

*Conroy is suddenly stricken with fear*

Conroy: Well…I…

Hale: Is one of you Mr Blunkett? I have an appointment with him to arrange his first day at work.

Jeremy: Conroy…you’re…not really the manager?

Hale: Who are you? Do you even work here?

Conroy: I er..erm…

Hale: Security!

*Two security guards enter and take Conroy away*

Hale: I am so sorry about that. Your hand is all swollen! What did he do to you!?

Jeremy: It’s OK, Mr Hale. Everything is all right now.

Hale: It’s a strange world we live in.

Jeremy: It is indeed. You couldn’t believe the kind of stuff that…lunatic was saying!

Hale: Oh, well…I wouldn’t say lunatic.

Jeremy: You wouldn’t?

Hale: No. There are many impressive qualities in Mr Conroy that I seek in potential candidates. Why, right here is his resume that I picked up off the floor. This is the most impressive resume I have ever seen.

Jeremy: Are you being facetious, sir?

Hale: No. In fact, I have decided to hire Mr Conroy to our workforce and instantly promote this reputable man to Assistant Manager.

Jeremy: You can’t be serious.

Hale: He is a man that I can depend upon in these dark times. I need a man to brace the cold winds of evil, to stare the devil in the eye and copulate with his fiendish Stallion if that’s what it takes to get this business into the busiest street in Panaglia. And you know what else, Jeremy?


Hale: This.

*Hale pulls out a gun and shoots himself in the head. Blood is splattered all over Jeremy and the room*

Jeremy: Oh my God! OH CHRIST!

*Jeremy falls to his knees and sobs*

*Conroy re-enters the room*

Conroy: Jeremy, good news. I heard it through the grapevine that Hale kicked the bucket! Turns out that I may be next in line for a shot at the top! Aren’t you pleased?


Conroy: Oh don’t be so despondent, Jeremy. Listen, you’ve taken on a lot today. Me and the others have decided that it’s finally time for you to feel like one of the gang. Do you know what we do as a group?


Conroy: Make fun of other people. Can you do that for me?

Jeremy: I…maybe…

Conroy: Very good! We have a young intern looking to join us for a short time. Let’s give her a good ribbing, eh?

*Enter a young woman*

Intern: Hello, I’m new here and I’m not really sure who to go to. Could you help me, please?

Conroy: Oh, she’s in for it now, Jeremy. Go get her!

*Jeremy pauses for a minute, unsure what to do.*

Jeremy: Um…I…um

Intern: Yes?

*Jeremy pulls out a bus pass and throws it at the young Intern*

Jeremy: Take….that…


*The Intern screams and falls to the floor while panting helplessly*


Intern: My eyes! They’re burning! ALL OF MY EYES!

*The Intern claws at the nearest coffee table and accidently knocks a vase on her head which renders her unconscious*


Jeremy: You told me to do it!

Conroy: No, Jeremy. You can’t pin this on me. We are not a team on this one. You crossed the line. You murdered the line. You smashed the line with a vase and covered it in pieces of an Intern’s young corpse!

Jeremy: I don’t think she’s dead. Let me see if I can –

Conroy: RAPE HER!? OH MY, THERE IS NO END TO YOUR MALIGNANT DEBAUCHERY IS THERE?!? I won’t let you do it, Jeremy. There is only so much good in the world. I have to protect it!

Jeremy: Stop blaming this on me. And what are we going to do about the real corpse of the man who just committed suicide in front of me!?

*Conroy bursts into laughter*

Conroy: Ho, ho, ho! I forgot about that entirely. You’re a sharp one. A plus, my boy!

Jeremy: Yes but –

Conroy: Wait a minute, no Jeremy! You can’t possibly turn against me! I’ve been behind you since day one!

Jeremy: What?

Conroy: No Jeremy! NO!

*Conroy begins to choke himself*

Jeremy: Stop doing that and help me sort this mess out!

Conroy: I have so much to live for – races to extinguish, animals to experience.

*Conroy falls to the floor*

Conroy: Just know, Jeremy…that I’m demoting you on account of murdering two people in one day.

*Conroy seems to be dead on the floor as blood falls through his mouth. Jeremy is stunned as he observes the chaos that has taken place.*

*One Man from earlier enters the room*

One Man: Hey, matey. It’s Crying Time in Room 3 today. See you then!


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